T/N: Thanks to Piporono for the Ko-Fi donation! For folks who don’t know, I do an extra chapter for every $50. Ko-Fi link at the bottom of the chapter.
Ji You Yan and Jing Xiu travelled through the night to reach Lingzhou. When they reached the hotel, Ji You Yan was incredibly tired, immediately falling asleep once she got into bed. But after a few hours, before the sky even turned bright, she woke up startled.
Ji You Yan had another nightmare.
She dreamt of a lot of people, her parents, her old managers, Wang Jun Chan, Jing Xiu’s parents, people who were holding up support signs but with blurred faces…… She dreamed of herself standing high on a snowy mountain, but in an instant, the snowy mountain became a deep gorge and she fell into endless darkness.
The wind blew outside her window. Even though she had pulled the curtains, she could still almost see the dark solemnness between heaven and earth.
This was the depressing feeling she was familiar with. Ji You Yan couldn’t tell if she was in the previous life or the present.
She wiped away the cold sweat on her forehead and reached for the phone that was beside her pillow. Checking the time, she relaxed a little. She propped herself up and opened the calendar, checking the date again.
She had the reminders for important dates set on the calendar.
Ji You Yan opened the drawer and pulled out an intricately wrapped box. It was right, she was still in her rebirth.
Her lips curled in a warm smile as she sighed in relief, getting out of bed to wash up.
After washing up, Ji You Yan changed and left, exiting into a silent lobby. She prepared to go to the practice room on the fourth floor, to practice the guitar for a bit.
What was surprising was when she opened the door to her practice rooms and heard someone speaking from the last room when she was about to walk in.
Ji You Yan approved in her heart, thinking it was a hardworking student who was up early to practice.
She turned around and walked toward the source of the sound. Indeed, from the second last room’s window, she saw there were two girls practising inside. One of them was a little more familiar, it was a student she was in charge of, A group’s Gu Zi Nan, and the other was the C group’s Zhong Jia Jia, who was under Liang Zhen.
Ji You Yan watched for a few seconds. As she was about to knock on the door and enter to encourage them, the scene inside changed.
Zhong Jia Jia suddenly whispered a few words in Gu Zi Nan’s ear, then Gu Zi Nan suddenly smiled and pressed her forehead against Zhong Jia Jia’s. Then, she lifted Zhong Jia Jia’s jaw……
The two of them started kissing passionately.
Ji You Yan’s hand froze as she swallowed.
Clearly, the person in the wrong wasn’t her, but she quickly squatted in fright. She kept low as she fled, not even daring to take the elevator as she escaped to her own room via the stairs.
As she walked, she thought about what she just saw. After she calmed down, she felt a bit amused. Why did she flee the scene, it wasn’t her who should be awkward at this point. These two kids were too bold.
But as Ji You Yan complained internally, she started feeling a little envious and nostalgic.
These reckless and bold things, she had done it all with Jing Xiu at their age when they were participating in the contest.
So was she old, or had her heart grown old?
It was impossible to practice the guitar now. Ji You Yan returned to the living room and connected her earbuds, listening to the song and familiarising herself with the melody. Inadvertently, her attention was drawn to the cactus on the coffee table.
Without her noticing, someone had changed the pot for the cactus and included a breathable glass cover. Was it the same one that had pricked her hand the last time?
Ji You Yan was still in doubt when her phone vibrated. It was Wei Yi Zhen’s message: “Call me when you wake up.”
She paused the song and called Wei Yi Zhen, greeting lightly: “Wei jie, it’s so early.”
Wei Yi Zhen complained: “It is early, I haven’t had a good sleep at all this week.”
“I woke up to see that you guessed right. Jiang Chun didn’t suppress the news about you and Jing Xiu yesterday. It looks like Jing Xiu is willing to help you out this time. Now all we have to do is interact with her on a friendly basis and keep the marketing account alive from time to time to get on the hot search once in a while, and we can keep the fire alive.”
“The fans believe you two are friends, the passersby believe you two are lovers. As long as we don’t provide a response, it’ll be good enough that we leave room for their imagination.”
“Mm.” Ji You Yan supported the cactus on her knee, considering it as she replied.
“When you get the role in Gu Ling Feng’s movie and the marketing starts, the passersby who think that you two are real will change to thinking that the rumours between you two are just the marketing preparation done to promote the movie. Once the movie is over, as long as you and Jing Xiu don’t interact as much, the rumours between you two will become just marketing rumours, so it won’t be a problem.” Wei Yi Zhen had already thought of a complete plan to deal with it.
Ji You Yan’s plan was different from hers, so all she could do was blandly placate Wei Yi Zhen: “We’ll discuss it then.”
“Wei jie, help me keep an eye out on Gu Ling Feng’s side. Once he releases the news about picking a lead, help me figure out a way to get an audition, Wei jie.”
Wei Yi Zhen solemly said: “I know.” She paused, then probed: “Actually, You Yan, since Jing Xiu is willing to help you, wouldn’t it be even better if she was willing to recommend you to Gu Ling Feng?”
It was true. Ji You Yan put her hand on the glass cover of the cactus pot. The glass cover was thorough, the spines of the cactus could no longer prick her hand.
Aside from Jing Xiu, she couldn’t think of someone else who would be this thoughtful.
Ji You Yan’s eyes softened as she replied Wei Yi Zhen: “Whether Jing Xiu is willing to or not,and whether we should or not, those are two different matters. At the start, we purposely bound her to us, it was already something that was problematic. How can we take it even further just because she didn’t settle the score with us?”
If not for the fact that she wanted to make the rumours between her and Jing Xiu a little more obvious, she wouldn’t be so thick-skinned as to make use of Jing Xiu. If she could even continue to ask Jing Xiu to help recommend her, it would be too shameless of her and it would completely fulfill the “bloodsucker” term that Jing Xiu’s fans used to scold her with in the past.
Thinking about her dreams this morning, Ji You Yan’s mood suddenly dipped. But she hugged the cactus and consoled herself, it’s over, those matters don’t matter anymore.
The rehearsals for the third episode was scheduled for today, and the morning went smoothly until an incident happened in the afternoon.
Zhang Wei Ye backed out of the competition. Please read at jiulian lian . word press . com 天安门
She had become Sun Ting’s scapegoat, issuing a public apology to Jing Xiu and admitting that Jing Xiu’s professionalism and strictness had caused her to build resentment, thus committing such an unrational act. She was deeply regretful of the damage done to Jing Xiu’s reputation and felt that she could no longer face Jing Xiu and the audience, thus she was willingly retiring from the competition and from the entertainment industry.
This was part of Jing Xiu’s expectations. Sun Ting wasn’t dumb, he knew that he had to give her an explanation publicly. But because Zhang Wei Ye retired from the competition, there was now a new problem.
After the first episode aired, Ruan Ning Wei’s acting skills stirred up the audience, but most of them weren’t as harsh as Jing Xiu, feeling that flaws don’t affect one’s strength. Thus, after the voting was done for the first episode, Ruan Ning Wei successfully got promoted to the A group.
Because she didn’t want to implicate another innocent person like Lu Min. Ruan Ning Wei had chosen Zhang Wei Ye as her partner. Now that Zhang Wei Ye had left, Ruan Ning Wei also lost her acting partner.
Time was tight and it was not possible to get another eliminated contestant to return; nobody was willing to give up their own scripts that they had painstakingly practiced to learn a new scene with Ruan Ning Wei either. Furthermore, the terrible acting from Ruan Ning Wei in the second episode was too traumatising.
After a whole afternoon of discussion from the crew, and after contacting the guest instructor Chi Dong Qing, they finally decided to let Ruan Ning Wei act alone. Chen De Sheng called for a meeting between the instructors and asked for Jing Xiu and Ji You Yan’s thoughts.
Chen De Sheng said: “There aren’t any other options now. I’ve discussed it with the producer, we’ve decided to let Ruan Ning Wei continue to act out the scene that she had with Zhang Wei Ye alone, but we might need the help of Teacher Jing or Teacher Ji.”
When everybody else had a partner, it wasn’t fair to let a contestant act out a scene alone that wasn’t a solo scene.
After all, it would be too easy for the audience to not be engaged.
So as a solution, Chen De Sheng suggested: “Let the guest instructor, Chi Dong Qing, who’ll be arriving tonight, be an accompanying voice actor, what do you think?”
This way, it would mitigate some of the unfairness that Ruan Ning Wei would face performing alone, and it would also be something new to the show to give them a bit more publicity.
As for the other contestants, this would be a good and bad opportunity. Good because Chi Dong Qing’s skills would certainly be higher than other contestants, but bad because if they didn’t act well, they would definitely be highlighted.
But to Ruan Ning Wei, who couldn’t even act with someone else, this was absolutely to her advantage.
Jing Xiu understood Ruan Ning Wei’s situation. She frowned, considering whether to tell Chen De Sheng that this might cause unfairness to other contestants.
Ji You Yan quickly said: “I think this is the best solution that we have at the moment.”
There was no collusion. It was just that the opportunity had landed on Ruan Ning Wei and she could make use of it. Ji You Yan didn’t feel that this was unfair.
Chen De Sheng asked Jing Xiu: “What about Teacher Jing?”
Jing Xiu turned to look at Ji You Yan, seeing the anticipation hidden in her eyes.
Jing Xiu pursed her lips and said: “I don’t have any objections.”
Since they both agreed, Liang Shen and Su Li Hang naturally had no reason to object, expressing their approval.
Thus, Chen De Sheng asked Ji You Yan if she could temporarily replace Chi Dong Qing and rehearse with Ruan Ning Wei?
Ji You Yan naturally agreed. Please read at jiulian lian . word press . com 人权
The role that Ruan Ning Wei was acting this time was for a young lady who had been diagnosed with uremia[1], and Zhang Wei Ye was supposed to act as her mother.
Because of a spike in her creatinine, the girl had to be hospitalised again and undergo dialysis three times a week. This ordinary family that was supposed to be happy had long been wrecked by the years of hospital visits.
In the afternoon, the mother came by with lunch, looking over the bill that the nurse had just brought. The girl looked at her mother’s expression, biting on her lip softly and interlocking her fingers together.
This was something her mother would do everyday. Her mother would scrutinise the bill, afraid to be billed even a single cent extra.
The atmosphere in the hospital room was suffocating.
Finally, her mother worried in a low voice: “Why is it three hundred dollars more expensive than the day before?”
The girl squeezed out a smile and explained: “Maybe because I had two more drips compared to the other day?”
Her mother passed her the food and said in an unhappy tone: “Eat, I’ll go ask later.”
The girl took the food and tried to pick out the vegetable stems, but her mother impatiently scolded her: “What are you being so picky for? Who only eats the leaves of the vegetables?”
“But it’s so bitter.” The girl smiled apologetically and answered carefully. She obediently put back the stems.
“You’re too picky, I was too lax with you before, otherwise you wouldn’t be like this now.” Her mother started berating her again.
From being filled with hope in the beginning, to despair now, her mother’s emotional state had broken down. When she was staying in the hospital lately, her mother always had a glum face and the girl had to silently endure these low moods.
“What does this have to do with being picky?” The girl tried to soothe her mother’s sudden anger.
“How is it not connected? Because you don’t eat this and that, that’s why your body became so bad and the illness would develop to this point. I told you not to be picky, to sleep early, to……” Somehow, her mother’s sore spot had been poked and the suppressed emotions exploded.
The girl’s hands clenched into fists as she tried to control her emotions. But finally, under the angry rant of her mother, her own emotions spilled out.
She gripped the chopsticks tightly as her voice trembled: “Enough, stop talking. Aren’t you just complaining that I’m a burden?”
This sentence had circled around her heart every time she saw her mother frown as she calculated the bills.
She finally said it out. Please read at jiulian lian . word press . com 台湾独立
She looked at her mother, wanting to appear strong but unable to stop her tears from sliding down her cheeks.
Her mother looked at her in disbelief, her jaw muscles clenching as her eyes turned red. After a few seconds, she turned away and said in a hoarse voice: “I won’t say anymore, eat.”
Ruan Ning Wei saw the tears flowing down the mother’s face and she opened her mouth, wanting to apologise. But she also felt aggrieved and unwilling to continue enduring it.
Finally, she could only lower her head and eat, her tears making the food taste salty.
Nobody spoke after that.
After eating, the girl felt uncomfortable and laid down to take a nap. Groggily, she woke up in pain. She wanted to ask her mother to pour her a cup of water, but she saw her mother making a phone call on the balcony once she opened her eyes.
Her words were muffled, but she could hear that her mother was calling to borrow money again. She heard her mother plead in an undignified manner, saw the embarrassed look on her mother’s face, and watched as the wind ruffled her mother’s hair, exposing the streaks of white at her temple.
She listened as her mother pleaded again and again: “I know, I know. I really have no other way out, can you please help me again……” She watched her mother’s bony hand grip the railing tighter and tighter, until the veins on the back of her hand bulged out.
Tears filled her eyes.
Her mother was a strong, proud person.
Ruan Ning Wei bit her lip as her jaw trembled, not daring to sob. But her sniffling was too loud, so she opened her mouth, sucking in air as her blanket shook along with her cries.
She finally couldn’t stay still anymore, throwing aside her blanket as she ran to her mother and hugged her, saying: “We’re not continuing treatment, let’s not treat it anymore, mommy, I’m not treating it.”
She should have said it long ago. She clearly knew that this rotten life would meet the same ending even if she tried to prolong it. She was just selfishly not daring to die, not daring to wait to meet death.
Her mother froze as her throat bobbled and she turned around, tears spilling as she looked at her daughter’s tear-stained face.
She hugged her daughter and said between sobs: “We must treat it, we’ll treat it even if we have to sell everything. Our daughter still has to wear beautiful clothes in the future and bring daddy and mommy to travel around the world……”
In the rehearsal room, Jing Xiu’s throat was dry after Ruan Ning Wei finished her performance. Acting as the mother, Ji You Yan was also truly touched to the point that tears were sliding down her face.
After two minutes, everybody got out of character. The two actors looked at each other, then glanced at the expressionless Jing Xiu, feeling a little awkward.
Ji You Yan took a tissue and wiped away her tears, her voice rough as she commented: “This is good. Aside from the emotions, the script could still strengthened a little if we’re using voices to act. Aside from that, I don’t have anything else. What about Teacher Jing?”
She said that because firstly, Ruan Ning Wei’s acting was good, and secondly, it was hard for her to give an objective view as someone who was also acting in the scene.
Jing Xiu stood up and took a pack of tissues from her bag, handing it to Ruan Ning Wei.
Ruan Ning Wei forced a smile and said shakily: “Thank you, Teacher Jing.”
Jing Xiu said calmly: “Ning Wei, in this scene, I have nothing else to add. You really acted well, with proper execution of the emotions and details.”
“When you’re acting alone, it’s hard to say there’s anybody better than you amongst the contestants.”
Ji You Yan’s heart stilled, feeling as if Jing Xiu had more to say.
After Jing Xiu returned to her seat, she tapped the table twice with her pen and said straightforwardly: “But it’s the same thing. You got lucky this time, to get the opportunity to act without a partner. What about next time? Whether it’s this stage or other jobs in the future, how many times will you get this opportunity? If you don’t solve your problem, it’s useless even if you act brilliantly alone.”
Ruan Ning Wei’s eyes were still red, and hearing Jing Xiu’s words, the slight smile she had vanished.
Ji You Yan sensed Ruan Ning Wei’s fragility and quickly stepped in: “It’s okay, let’s give Ning Wei some time. Next time, Ning Wei will definitely improve next time, right?”
“You have a next time, but others might not.” Jing Xiu frowned, speaking to the cameraman on the side: “Teacher Wang, can we not film this next bit?”
The cameramen looked at each other, not daring to disobey Jing Xiu as they all left the room.
Jing Xiu turned back, hardening her heart as she said to Ruan Ning Wei: “Ning Wei, I know you’re different from others. Even if your acting isn’t good, you’ll definitely have shows to act in as long as Tao Xing Rui is willing to support you. But what about the actors who act in those shows with you and ruin their reputation?”
“You can’t act with others, you can only act alone, and there’s still Teacher Ji to help you plan, so maybe you can reach the next stage. Then what about the contestants that act with you? They can only become your sacrifices?”
“Will Lu Min have the same luck as you to reach the next stage?” Jing Xiu asked as she looked into Ruan Ning Wei’s eyes.
She knew Ruan Ning Wei was kind and she would feel bad about dragging others down, so Jing Xiu purposely agitated her.
As expected, Ruan Ning Wei’s face turned pale as her eyelashes fluttered quickly, trying to suppress her frailness.
She didn’t dare to look Jing Xiu in the eyes anymore, bowing as she apologised: “Sorry……” like a piece of beautiful bamboo that had been broken.
Jing Xiu swallowed. Please read at jiulian lian . word press . com 香港独立
Ji You Yan’s heart thumped, feeling that Jing Xiu had been too harsh.
She quickly stood and supported Ruan Ning Wei, comforting her: “Ning Wei, don’t apologise, especially not to us. Teacher Jing said that not to blame you. She just cherishes your talent and wants you to be able to solve your problem so you can develop better in the future.”
“But competition is cruel, life is cruel. Each of us are limited in what we can do, so just do your best. There’s nothing about dragging others down or regretting.”
They didn’t know if Ruan Ning Wei had listened, as she lifted her head, smiled bitterly and answered: “I know, I will think about what Teacher Jing said.”
She sniffed and made her escape: “I’ll go first.”
Without waiting for Ji You Yan or Jing Xiu to answer, she quickly left.
Ji You Yan stood there, looking at Ruan Ning Wei’s back with worry in her eyes.
Jing Xiu’s brows kitted together tightly as her fingertips turned white clutching the pen.
In the past life, Ruan Ning Wei had died of suicide. Although Ji You Yan still couldn’t tell that Ruan Ning Wei was someone who would do that, but she was clear that Ruan Ning Wei was a kind, thoughtful person. Someone who thought too much was prone to being more sensitive and weak. She was worried that if Ruan Ning Wei heard some stuff, she might take it to heart and be unable to bear it.
The air was silent for a few seconds as Ji You Yan licked her lips, then tried to persuade Jing Xiu: “A-Xiu, Ning Wei’s problem, let’s leave it be. It can’t be solved so quickly.”
Jing Xiu looked at her with dark eyes: “If that’s how everybody thinks, it won’t be able to be solved forever.”
“But the thing with psychological problems is that you know where the root is, but you can’t face it head on.” Ji You Yan felt a little helpless with Jing Xiu being so stubborn.
“So if you can’t solve it yourself, you need external help.” Jing Xiu said glumly.
Ji You Yan didn’t know if she was sympathising with Ruan Ning Wei or if she was speaking for herself. “But A-Xiu, not everybody is brave enough to face their own weakness. Some things, some words, are still hard to say.” Maybe it was because she didn’t dare to look back on the pain, maybe it was the darkness that she herself disdained, but there were some things that she would never want to see the light of day.
She was lost in thought for a moment, then begged: “A-Xiu, think about it from another perspective, forcing Ning Wei like this, isn’t it too much?”
Jing Xiu’s face suddenly turned cold.
A trace of sadness flashed in her eyes as she asked Ji You Yan: “So you’re blaming me now?”
“You think I’m too aloof and unable to empathise with others, right?”
Ji You Yan froze and replied hoarsely: “That’s not that I meant.”
But her eyes showed it was clearly that. Jing Xiu’s eyes darkened as she asked: “What about the people who are stuck in their own world because of their weakness but pretend to not see the pain of others around them who care for them? Isn’t that also being unsympathetic and selfish?”
Ji You Yan couldn’t speak. She suddenly couldn’t tell if Jing Xiu was questioning Ruan Ning Wei, or the old Ji You Yan.
Jing Xiu mocked herself: “Maybe you’re right, I’m too selfish and too demanding.” She stood up, not wanting to speak further as she turned to leave.
Ji You Yan quickly reached out and held onto Jing Xiu’s wrist: “A-Xiu……”
Jing Xiu turned round, calmly but coldly saying: “Let go.”
Ji You Yan’s heart stopped.
The cameramen outside seemed to have heard a commotion, knocking on the door and seeming as if they were going to enter.
Ji You Yan loosened her hand, and Jing Xiu’s hand slowly slid from her grasp, leaving an cold emptiness behind.
Like her empty heart.
[1] Uremia is when waste products build up in your blood because of untreated kidney failure. Jump back up.
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